13:07 - Wednesday, May. 16, 2007
Blues News
I started writing this yesterday but ran out of time so am finishing it now... I am feeling a little better today but still want to get this out how I've been feeling & what's been happening:
I'm feeling like I am slipping into a depression again. Rather, I know I had a crash just this weekend and need to snap out of this. I think I probably need to get back on some meds though to keep me from going through this.
I felt it starting at the end of last week... so overwhelmed about everything & filled with stress & anxiety and didn't know what to do with myself until I felt sick to my stomach. Then I go into hiding... I stayed in the bedroom from when I got home Friday from work at like 1pm until I woke up the next day. I thought I just needed a break, and some Hank time, so he agreed & we had a quiet night together.
The next morning though I wasn't better. We went for Mother's Day with his Mom (dim sum lunch & a pedicure) and a put on a happy face for the occasion. Afterwards we went to Keith's to visit my cats (oh by the way, he is looking after them until we move so we can get work done at home & so Dusty stops eating dog food & getting sick etc. More on that later.) I still felt like shit, just exhausted & blue. I called my Mom to say happy mother's day on that day, since I knew my Aunts and my Gramdma (Mama) would be there & I could speak to all of them too. I spoke to Mama last. I told her about our house & invited her to come see it. I thought the conversation went fine. Then she's about to hang up & I can hear her going, "How do I turn this off? How do I hang this up." I heard them telling her what to do, and she thought she did it and put the phone down. When I heard the phone put on the table but not hung up I yelled into the phone, "It's not hung up - I am still here" so that they would hang up the phone, but no one heard me. I thought I would try to make some noise or something to let them know the phone is off the hook, but in only seconds I heard Mama start to bad-mouth me... while I was still there listening...
"Boy, I hope she doesn't bugger this one up this time..." I didn't know what she meant by that, whether it be my new home, or my relationship with Hank, I don't know, but it was like a kick in the stomach to hear such things from my grandmother's mouth. I yelled into the phone again so that she wouldn't continue and I wouldn't hear any more... but they didn't hear me, and I listened a little more. She said a few more things, one was clear, "I don't know how she thinks she can afford this, she better smarten up and quit smoking." And then something like, "... he works so hard & does so much for her..." I thought I heard someone rely & stick up for me, that I had been working hard too, but I am not certain of that.
By this time I was screaming in the phone that I could hear them and to stop... I was crying and shaking and my heart felt like it was breaking. Hank told me to hang up, why would I want to hear any more... so I did... and I bawled. I called back & the phone was busy, they hadn't realized it yet. I called again and my Uncle answered. I tried to sound like I wasn't such a mess, but doubt I succeeded and asked him, "When did you guys realize the phone was off the hook & hang it up?" And he answered that it started beeping. I told him that I was trying to let them know that I was still there but no one heard me and that I heard the whole conversation... and could I please talk to my Mom. He didn't say anything, I can only picture his face thinking, "Oh God, she heard that?!?" and went to give my Mom the phone. I first said to Mom, "I just want to say thanks for sticking up for me..." I thought it was her who said something in my defense, but she stopped me and asked what I was talking about because she wasn't even in the house when this happened. Well, maybe it was my Aunt S, she sounds a lot like my Mom, or maybe I misheard that part. But I know FOR SURE my Mama was the one saying those things, I know her voice & the phone was right in front of her. So I told Mom what happened, as best I could in between sobs, and told her just to let Mama know I heard every thing that she said.
Mom called me back later & told me that Mama denied everything. Aunt S had acted as if she knew nothing about it, until Mama left, then she admitted to Mom that she knew what I was talking about. Mama called me first thing the next morning. I didn't answer, I was in bed still and didn't know what to say to her or how to deal with this. I felt so sick to my stomach. She left a messgae saying that she was sorry for whatever she said, but honestly she didn't say anything she shouldn't have. Okay then Mama, what are you sorry for? She sounded all upset, saying she needed to talk to me, that she didn't know what happened and that she loved me. My heart ripped a little more.
I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. We had to go to Hank's Dad & Step Mom's for a bit in the afternoon for Mom's Day and I still couldn't get this off of my mind. I felt I needed to call her back & sort this out so I could forget about it somehow & enjoy my day and move on. I tried to call her from there. No answer, no machine. Later she called their number back thinking we had changed our number. I talked to her and just asked her what she said and she said she didn't know... she said, "Was I drunk or something?" I said I didn't know but I knew what I heard. Of course she continues to deny it & said she'd never do anything to hurt me... etc. Well, I am sure she wouldn't - not intentionally - but she didn't think I was listening. There isn't much I can do about it... I just told her I was very hurt & hoped that she would make it up to me by coming to see me & once she sees how we live etc. she won't have grounds to say such things, and if she still had those things to say, then at least she had something to go on... but she's never even been here, how could she think I am doing so horribly with my life? She didn't agree to anything, just said our I love you's & ended the call.
I am still just crushed about it. But not much I can do but learn to accept the kind of person she's becoming, and forgive... I guess. Not going to be easy, but I have no other choice. I won't, however, just sit there & take it when she says things to hurt our family again, like my Mom does. I will stand up to her & let her know how I feel. let her know how she is hurting people. Then maybe it will stop. I don't know... I just don't know how my Mom just lets her treat her the way she does... just like Papa let her treat him the way she did...
I also told my Mom that if she starts doing that kind of shit as she gets older to me, I will simply quit talking to her! I can't imagine having that from my Mom, as bad as it hurts from my Grandma.
Imagine... how dramatic and traumatic it would be to be on that other end of the phone listening to your Grandma talk that way about you to the family. Your Grandma is the person who is supposed to love you unconditonally & always be there for you by your side through anything... that's what I always thought... I guess reality just bites now that I know the truth & she isn't the hero I thought she was.
So anyway, I was still so depressed on Sunday I couldn't snap out of it. I hardly slept Sunday night & when I did I had horrible dreams. I woke up on Monday still feeling so ill, my head pounded, my stomach turned & my heart sank. I got up, got sick, and called in to work. I didn't get out of bed all day except to go to the washroom, let the dog out & try to eat some soup. Hank came home and I was still in bed. I got up only to grate some cheese to help him with dinner & hid in the bedroom the rest of the night feeling absolutely awful. Of course missing work & not getting the things done at home all weekend & that day was stressing me out more, causing more anxiety, more depression, and more physically ill feeling.
So that was not good.
I forced myself out of bed yesterday & kicked my own ass to work. I got through the day but still had a head ache & my tummy was in knots and still felt so blah & depressed. I talked to my supervisor, who has become quite a friend as well about what I am going through and he is so good and helpful and understanding. He's been through this kind of shit too. Thank goodness for him.
Hank has been very good to me through this too. He doesn't blame me for being so upset about the Mama thing, he does have a hard time understanding the depression thung, but knows I am going through something & tries his best to understand & do what he can for me. He is so sweet. When things like this get me moody too, he accepts it & brushes it off. I love him so much.
Remember awhile back I spoke about a girl friend who I'd pretty much decided to write off? In a moment of weakness I called her on Sunday & left a message, thinking we should talk. We spoke a bit yesterday & she just made me more angry & upset with her... probably not a good idea we talk anymore, but I think she wants to... I don't know... Not while I am already having these issues. I need positivity... happiness... love and laughter... not any more anger & hurt & negativity. So that got my gears going yesterday too.
I feel a little better today. I got some sleep last night I think. I woke up sneezing & stuffy and am either having allergies or catching a nice cold... great. I am working on being stronger & not leting things bring me down so hard, but sometimes I just can't help it. I am sure once this move is all done & everything I should be able to be happy again. If not, I will see a doctor & see if I should go back on some happy pills agin...
I don't know if I should be making this public news either... but whatever... pleaase don't judge harshly or leave negative comments, this is our decision and I want to write about it...
I haven't told anyone, but I wonder if my moods and blues have anything to do with the fact that I just recently stoped taking the birth control pills...
Hank and I have agreed that at my age being on the for the last 16 or so years it is time to give my body a break, especially being a smoker. We are not trying to have babies at this point, but if something happens, then that's what's meant to be. We doubt that with our lifestyle it will be anytime soon. My body needs to go back to normal & we're not exactly quitting drinking & trying to do all the things you should to to be ready and 'fertile'. Plus, we're so darn busy these days who has time for sex anyway!?! If we have any worries then he can use a condom, or pull out, or something else, simple as that.
So what we're not married... we're not going to go to hell for this, if we aren't already on our way there for something else ;) (KIDDING!) We will be soon eough, I am sure, I bet we will be before I am pregnant.
So in happier news, Mom is coming to stay with us the week that we move... not sure if Mama will come down for a couple days or not too, but we're trying. We have our hot air balloon ride booked, Hank, Mom & I for the 23rd, the last day of our holiday with her, a perfect end to the week.
As I said earlier, Keith has kindly offered to look after the cats for awhile until we move. They seem quite content there & it is working out well for everyone. I am glad. I hope they are all better by the time we move in.
I think I need to end this too-long entry now and see how to make one of those ticker things on my site so I can count down the sleeps till we move in and stuff...
Oh yeah, one more thing - the owners of the new house said they can check with the realtor about getting us in early, maybe the 10th :))))
OH- And Lippy - CALL ME! We can try to figure something out for a visit.. (Read my comment from the day you commented, I replied on there.)
Thanks for all the comments & hugs, I really do appreciate it...
LOVE YA!
