12:05 - Friday, Mar. 16, 2007
How many times do you see the word \"Dad\" in here?
Warning: I did this in Word first (stupidly, when do I learn?!?) I thought I could paste it in a notepad & then it would fix itself but it doesn't look that way & I don't have time to fix it right now... maybe later... so sorry about the weirdness of this...
Sorry it’s been so long. I’m sure you’re all waiting for an update… or not. I just read my last entry & it made my stomach turn again remembering how bad it was and how I felt at that time. It is getting better, thank God. I am finding it almost weird how suddenly in my diary, my note to him, when I refer to him when people ask at work how “Dad” is has been just coming out of my mouth. I’ve been doing that a lot with Hank’s Dad too. Is that wrong? I mean, I know I already have a Dad, a biological one, and just because he died doesn’t make him any less my Dad, but just because these aren’t my biological Fathers, it doesn’t make them any less my Dads too, does it? That is how I feel about them, so screw it, I’ll call ‘em what I want (so long as they don’t mind!) Actually, I have only called Jim Daddy II to his face, I am not sure if I have ever called him that, (Dad) maybe only referred to him as that, but I know when I say Daddy Two he loves it! It’s been easy to call Hank’s Dad, Dad, or else it just gets confusing (Hank, his Dad & his Grandpa (and late Great-Grandpa) all have the same name). Anyway, I am kind of rambling, but does anyone get what I am saying? Do you think it is wrong or weird to call other people Dad?
So I went to see him on that Friday & they gave me sometime alone with him. It is easier to talk to someone in that ‘sleeping’ state when you are alone. I was like that with my real Dad too. It was hard, but I needed to say some things and hoped he’d hear them, but maybe it was more for me, I was so afraid of regrets, and what if I never again got a chance to say them. When I left the room I had to go for a walk. Finally I let all those tears come out, but I didn’t let them see. All I kept thinking was “You just better not let this be the last time I see you.” And, “I am not saying good-bye. I will not say good-bye. See you soon. That’s all. I’ll be back, and you’ll be here.” Just convincing myself over & over that it will be okay. But I couldn’t stop crying. I calmed myself down before they came out & we went home. Larry & Tracy & I all had a good talk about it all & our worries about his recovery & his stubbornness. I feel so much closer to them now. They are my brother & sister too, just like Grace & Jim are also my parents. I guess I am pretty darn lucky to have all this family.
My plane left at 7:15am Saturday. Hank picked me up from the airport at about 8:30. We went for McBreakfast & back home. Frankie missed me so much! He was all over me & wouldn’t leave me alone. It was nice to be so missed. He’s been strange with me since & now when I get ready for work he barks at me and throws himself at me for attention, thinking maybe I will be gone a long time again. What a little sweetheart. Hank missed me too ;) I was so beat, I laid in bed until noon in & out of sleep. Then we went to his Dad’s place as planned. We spent the night there. I had a hard time keeping my mind straight and putting on a happy face, but I managed. I still couldn’t get rid of the awful feeling in my stomach. I didn’t go to the baby shower, I felt too crappy & wasn’t ready to be around all of those people & try to put on a happy face. I called, they seemed to understand. (I got a picture of her today – she is beautiful!) We went home & rested and I hardly slept all night I still felt so sick. I got up in the morning & felt like a zombie. I called into work. They understood as well. I spent the day in bed. I felt like I was so sick with depression I actually started to worry. Tuesday I didn’t get out of bed until I absolutely HAD to (I didn’t work until 1:30, so I stayed in bed till like 11:30). After work that day I decided I needed to snap the fuck out of it. We went over to Uncle K’s house for dinner & watched American Idol. It did feel better to get out & not be in my house thinking too much. So I’ve been kind of all over the place avoiding the house & letting the mess build. I guess it’s time to get on it tonight & this weekend & get back to life & reality.
The day after I left Jim woke up. I don’t think for a long time, but he is still breathing on his own & staying awake longer each day from what I make of the conversations I’ve had. He is still kind of confused I guess too. He’s out of ICU and in a ward now, so that is positive progress in my books. Grace read him my note & gave him my bear. He said it was thoughtful & sincere. I told her I hoped I didn’t make Jim barf from all my mushy-ness!!!
So things are getting better as far as I know. We’ll be going back for Easter weekend to see them all & the P-Dog family is too. All my family (families) together… sweeeeeet.
I think I had a bunch more I wanted to say today but I am out of time. Leaving work right away & off to the dentist for round 3 of cleaning! Pretty bad ‘eh?!? And I am scheduled for one more next week! I better smarten up after this & see my dentist more regularly.
Have a nice weekend & don’t forget to wear green (and drink green beer) tomorrow.
Love ya
