10:05 - Friday, Mar. 09, 2007
My Heart Hurts
I am in Regina. Got here Tuesday night. Went directly to the hospital from the airport. What a sight. What a shock to my system. I had to leave the room for a bit & put my head between my knees, I felt like fainting or puking or something, it was really overwhelming. But I went back in. He is hooked up to so many machines. A tube down his throat to make him breathe. He just lays there sleeping, a twitch here or there. He is yellow & swollen & bruised. It pains me so much to see. And it pains me just the same to see his wife & children have to go through this. I was welcomed though with such warmth by them, they insist that I am just as much a part of this family as they and that is nice to know, as I was afraid they might not want me here. The ICU nurses/doctors have all been told I am the daughter & have let me in to see him & include me in all the information they give us. Only immediate family have been allowed to go in, and two at a time. I am glad that I have had this chance to be here, I am glad I am his daughter too. So I held his hand & kissed his head & talked to him awhile. I told him I loved him & I am here & I am waiting for him to wake up. And we left.
The next day we went back & had a family meeting with the doctors. He told us that Jim is sedated through an IV drip that keeps him constantly 'sleeping'. His liver is badly damaged, making the amonia levels dangerously high. Among plenty of other things that are not well with him, but not only is it too difficult to try to explain it (I don't know medical terms etc. and I don't expect readers to) but it is so hard to talk about it. I am trying though right now, hoping it will help to type this. Anyway, they said that when they take him of the sedation he gets very aggitated & used the word 'voilent'. I asked what they meant by that and he pretty much is flailing about in his bed & it is hard for them to keep him still, relaxed and comfortable. They have been taking him off sedation for 10 minutes or so a day to see how he will react and test to see if he can communicate, squeeze a hand, anything. They said this could take 5-7 days in ICU before they can take the sedation away. Then after that he would be in a ward at the hospital. Not sure how long, could be weeks. With proper care & treatment (and he needs to be disciplined and work at it to - NO DRINKING) a liver is the one organ that can regenerate itself, so we pray for that. With everything else that is wrong with him (heart, lungs, diabetes, asthma etc...) it can be harder than 'normal people' and may take longer. Then, if this all works, then he can come home and be the way he was before this latest episode... so they say... but he was quite sick even then, I asked if he can get back to the way he was before all of this started in the summer, and they said with time & work, maybe.
I had to leave that meeting room right at the end again & this time I did throw up. It is a lot to take. I am not too strong when it comes to stuff like this... who I am kidding, I am a wimp.
So we wait, and we hope.
We went back yesterday to some better news. They took him off the sedation at I think about 9am. He was still off of it by the time we got there at about 1pm. He is also breathing on his own. The tube is still there, just to moniter, and just incase they have to run it again. It looks like quite an effort to breathe but he is fighting. He won't wake up though... we don't know when he will. They said they will call us as soon as he does, no matter what time it is, we'll be there. I haven't heard news yet this morning, I am sure Grace has called but she went to work today so I don't know what they've said yet. If he gets very aggitated & the pain is too great & it is too difficult for him they will sedate him again & put him back on the ventilator. I sure hope they won't have to, but it's not a race, and if he needs time to recover, let him do what he needs to do.
Sister and I were in there together for quite awhile ysterday talking to him& talking to eachother (I am a believer that he can feel our touch & hear our voices and that it would be comforting) and we were trying to make jokes & laugh with him. I think he would like that. We were reminded of a Simpsons episode (Jim is a huge fan, and can be a lot like Homer) when Homer was in the hospital saying something like, "Hey, those guys are getting oxygen and here I am like a sucker, breathing on my own!" Jim would have liked that...
Anway, we'll be going back to spend the day there again soon, hopefully there will be some more good news. I am leaving tomorrow. I don't want to, but I feel I should. This could be a long waiting process & somehow I have to keep myself together & try to work & live a normal life while we go through this. Dad would not want me missing too much work or getting all messed up over this. I want to stay until he wakes up & then spend some time with him, but I don't know if that can happen. If only he could open his eyes for a moment & see that we are all there with him, I might feel a bit better leaving. But any other flights were very pricey, and none on Sunday so I had to choose the 7am one tomorrow. We do plan to come back for Easter and that's not too far away, but I wish I could be here when he wakes up.
I miss Hank & the animals so much though, it is difficlt not having him here by my side through this too. He is being very supportive though from home & hopefully looking after everything there so I don't have to come home to an overwhelming mess.
I think I will try to write him a little note or something & have them give it to him or read it to him wheb he wakes. (I brought a teddy bear I wanted to give with a note & leave in his room too but you can't leave stuff like that in ICU, so I'll leave it for when he's in another ward.)
So anyway, there is some hope, we are trying to be optimistic. I was quite scared when I came here that we were going to lose him, but hopefully we can have him hang on awhile longer.
Once I am back tomorrow I have to relax & try to pull myself together to try to get back to work. My insides are all twisted, I've been sick to my stomach since getting the news, I can hardly sleep, and can not think of anything but what is going on. It really sucks, but somehow I have to deal with this better. Life has to go on for me in the meantime.
The baby shower for Kaitlyn (and BTW I spelled her name wrong in the other entry, her middle name is Mae, not May) is on Sunday. I have purchased gifts & a card but I am not sure if I have the strength to be there. Just so exhausted from all of this. We'll see how I am feeling & if I can't, I hope that they understand & I will give the gifts another time.
I wish he would just open his eyes today & see me/us there for a few moments. Squeeze my hand & show me he knows I am there & that he is fighting for us & he will be okay. But this could really take days, weeks, who knows. I guess I have to go & take care of things & come back at Easter & if need be, another weekend sooner & after... thank goodness for credit... ugh.
Anyway, I've also been glad that us kids have all come (Tracy from Calgary, Larry from Saskatoon, and me from Winnipeg) to Regina to be here with Grace & Jim. I think it has been helpful to us all. Grace hasn't had to make a single meal since our arrival. We've all been pitching in for each meal & letting her relax. That feels good that we've been able to do *something*. She took us out for a very nice dinner on Wednesday though.
I also thought/worried that I would dive into the booze/cigarettes for a crutch duting this time but luckily my nerves are making my stomach all fucked up & don't even feel like it. I am hardly having either of each, so I am glad... or is it because it is hitting me how much alchohol has to do with the illness Jim has in his liver (not 100% I am sure, but it is definately a part of it). The doc says that part of his agitation when he was not sedated will be withdrawls too. That's kind of scary, and also hard to believe because he has cut down a huge amount (especially compared to what he used to consume) and even went a full month recently with nothing. But I guess it doesn't matter, it has still had it's effects.
On a totally unrelated silly note, we all stopped at the mall after the hospital to get out of the house & try to think of something else & I found the Nightmare on Elm Street DVDs 1 through 5 on sale. I had a gift certificate from HMV too, so total it cost me like 12 bucks, before taxes for all 5. Right on.
Well, I better go. Please - if you do pray - pray for Jim's recovery and strength to fight this. And pray for this family to have the strengh to get through this as well.
Love,
Karen
