13:11 - Friday, Jan. 26, 2007
Did Anyone Else Know What That Depeche Mode Song Meant?
I found this funky new pop, it's Diet Pepsi Jazz, with black cherry & French vanilla flavour. So I bought a case to bring home & try. It's really good... even better with some whiskey! I couldn't hardly even taste the booze... so needless to say they were going down very well & soon enough, I was really feeling it!
I decided to get on the 'ol horn and chat with people, since Hank had a headache & wasn't feeling too chatty.
Good 'ol drunk-dial!
So I call everyone & their dogs & bullshit with them & then seemed to have run out of people in Winnipeg to call & felt like calling long distance. Well I called Grace in Regina & talked to her for awhile & then Jam in Edmonton, but she was at a movie so couldn't talk and thought I'd call some more people from my past in Edmonton... people I don't normally talk to much or even keep in touch with very well.... Surprise, it's me - and I'm drunk! Hahaha...
Well, am I ever glad I am gone from there... holy fucking DRAMA!
AA, who is supposed to have been totally quit drinking and in AA (how ironic!) trying to straighten up his life, is apparently on drunken benders non stop these days. He's been hanging out with Topofthelist who has recently been kicked out of the house from his wife & kids because he has a crack problem & also broke her nose! (She even sent me pictures on my phone of her nose & two black eyes!) AA & him are all messed up apparently, and have also been hanging out with Lieutenant... I didn't get much of a chance to talk with her & find out how she's doing, but if she's hanging out with those two, I am thinking probably about the same. B-L sounds like doing the drugs again... sounds like somehow can still keep life & job & kid together etc. at the same time, but still... that's some scary shit. It's all just freaky to me that I know if I'd stayed there I would probably be a mess if this kind of shit is still going on there... I was never good at avoiding it, except for to move here & just make new friends. Thank God... thankk Grace & Jim! Somehow I was saved.
Holy, drama though. It was just a lot of WOW news to take. One other thing that hit hard was to find out Lieutenant's Mom has throat cancer. In lymph nodes as well. That is so shitty. She would be in her early fifties. She was never very nice to me, but still, she was the 'Mom' that was around us girls most of the time and I am sad for her & her family. I do hope she comes out of this alright. She is living with her sister going through chemo right now. Ugh. Hang on Eileen.
Which brings me to some of my own drama. A couple other things that we're having a hard time dealing with. Jim is not well. I do not know details of what the diagnosis is but he is just not well & I fear losing him. We're going to spend some time with them in February. I hope that he's improving... but he sure didn't look good when we last saw him at our place in November. I am sad & scared about that. I hope he can fight whatever this is & get stronger & live lots longer, because I really don't want to lose another father figure. The world is not ready to lose Jim.
And then there's Hank's step-mom, Bobbie. She's been aroubd since Hank was like 6 years old. We're close too, she's a sweet, fun, lady. She went into the hospital just before new year's with what they thought was pneumonia, well it was, but turns out there is a lot more much worse stuff happening too. They can't do a scopr (colonoscopy) until the pneumonia is gone because putting her under could be very dangerous in that condition & she may not come out. Nothing can be done yet, but as far as testing goes, they are talking cancer. UGH! She is not well at all & we are all praying for her to make it through this as well. She'll be 60 this year.
So this kind of thing really gets me thinking... I am 30... 50 or 60 is really not that far away... and age doesn't even matter... I am hearing far too much about people even my age just dropping dead. I don't want to die... finally I love my life... but I am so afraid it can hapen so soon, so fast... and here I am - still smoking...
It's tough... but it reminds me of the Depeche Mode song, Blasphemous Rumours... It feels like it could be written about me... I used to hate myself & my life & tried to take my own life twice. Now everything is so good, it would just serve me right for God to kill me now & take it all away from me since I was such a selfish bugger back then... I was given a second chance, and a third... I just hope it doesn't come back & bite me in the ass...
Here's the lyrics:
Girl of sixteen, whole life ahead of her
Slashed her wrists, bored with life
Didnt succeed, thank the lord
For small mercies
Fighting back the tears, mother reads the note again
Sixteen candles burn in her mind
She takes the blame, its always the same
She goes down on her knees and prays
I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humour
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
Girl of eighteen, fell in love with everything
Found new life in jesus christ
Hit by a car, ended up
On a life support machine
Summers day, as she passed away
Birds were singing in the summer sky
Then came the rain, and once again
A tear fell from her mothers eye
I dont want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that gods got a sick sense of humour
And when I die I expect to find him laughing
Now I don't mean to be blasphemous either, and I hope I don't deserve to die or go to hell for even writing those lyrics or half-believing in them... I don't really think it's God's will that would make things that way, but fate, or irony, or whatever... I dunno... am I making any sense?
Anyway, as much as I have just 'dissed' God, I do pray for all of the people that I mentioned here. The sick ones & the others that are having rough times in life riht now, whether it be addictions or whatever. I wish them all strength to get through this. And I do pray that I stay clean and away from that lifestyle & loving life & stay even somewhat healthy through a long life. In the same breath, I thank God for saving my life, so many times really, on top of the times I tried to take it on my own, I probably could have & should have died many times with the life I was living, so thank you God. Thanks for letting me live & helping me to make my life better & better each day. I never forget how fortunate I am to have this life and the love of friends & family & also all of the 'things' that I possess.
Wow... that was almost weird... I went from blah blah blah drama to blah blah sick people & sadness to blah blah blasphemy to ... praying on my online diary?!?
Who am I again?!?
Weird.
Anyway... how's that for an entry after being gone so long?!?
Amen...
*Giggles*
