12:12 - Thursday, Oct. 05, 2006
Airing Some Dirty laundry
Another week gone by & no word from Lilmisskewl... sorry Diaryland!
On the weekend we cleaned out the garage. What a mess! We took a trailer load to the dump of junk. We still have a bunch of stuff piled that we need to take to storage & a load of paint to take to his Mom's to store so it doesn't freeze & then we'll have so much more organized room. Finally. You couldn't even walk in there, it was so bad.
After we were done we were sitting around watching the nephews. D was going to a party & Jes was coming home from work around 6:30 so we said we'd watch them in the mean time, only like a half hour or so. When she got there she told them to give us hugs & say bye 'cause we weren't going to see them for a long time. I was like, "WTF?!?" I thought we did something wrong & she was punishing us by not letting us see them for awhile or something... so I asked her why & she told us she was going home to pack her stuff & leaving D. Whoa... shocker. I mean, I know there are problems... big ones... but I never thought she'd finally stand up for herself & leave. So I wanted to be there for her & support her & went to the place with her & helped her pack stuff for her & the kids. It was very sad... and reminded me of sad times as a kid having to watch this happen...
She's staying with her parents & when he asked her how long (I don't think he was taking it too seriously - he seemed to figure he just had a week's vacation) she said, "As long as it takes." So she seems pretty serious... I know she doesn't want this to be a forever break-up, but things need to change. I think they are talking about counselling.
So that was a big deal... and it really made me think.
When I first met Hank & watched those two together I told him if he EVER tried to treat me like that or speak to me that way, I'd be gone... I had been treated like shit too much by men (boys, really) in the past & I just wouldn't put up with it anymore. I was serious. I know I will never let anyone make me feel that way again.
And he's wonderful, he really is....
But with all the stress we've been under, he's been getting into 'moods' lately then I get the shit end of it. It's been happening quite a bit in the last month or so. And Saturday was one of those days. I feel I have to tip toe around him when he gets in those modds & that's not fair. MB & I were trying to help & worked very hard at organizing the garage & all he could do is bark at me or mutter shit under his breath & just made me feel like crap all day. He was so negative about everything & it really hurt, especially when he does this in front of our friends & family. K has seen it a lot too.
So I went out to get away for awhile with MB and talked with her & did a lot of thinking. She said she noticed how I will always jump to do everything for him & always make sure that he is happy first & I need to look after myself more. I guess it's true, that's just how I am, I want my man happy. But I shouldn't feel small or put down... so it was time I talked to him about it, before it kept up & we ended up like D & Jes. Sunday morning I was a mess though, my heart just ached & I cried & cried. I told him that I just couldn't handle that and he needs to smarten the fuck up. Whatever is stressing him out we need to deal with, and not just take it out on me. We need to go back to being the way we were, and if it means putting off selling my house so there's less pressure, then fine. He did apologize, sincerly, and many times, he told me he loves me with all his heart & he will work hard at being better to me. He said he knows I didn't deserve that & doesn't know why he does it. I asked if there was some underlying issues we needed to deal with & he said no, there was nothing wrong, and I didn't DO anything. I asked if he had doubts or second thoughts about us & our future & he said no without hesitation. He was so sweet that day in taking me seriously & facing up to how he's been and has been so good to me all week. I hope we've come to an understanding & his bitchiness has come to an end...
Maybe I over-reacted because of watching Jes leave D... but maybe not. I fell in love with the man who treated me like gold... If that starts to tarnish then where is that man? I deserve the gold... So I hope he's back for good & all will be happliy ever after again.
I don't want anyone to think badly of Hank because I have said this. It's not like he was calling me names or hitting or anything, just being bitchy & nasty... hard to explain, guess you just have to see it to understand... but I love him more than anything, he is so great and mostly treats me with so much love, kindness & respect... we just had a 'bump' I guess... that's all.
So I forgive him... hope you do too :)
I wanted to write lots more... but I have to go now... I'll try to finish soon.
