16:14 - Thursday, Oct. 05, 2006
Birthdays Friends & Funerals
I had to end that entry cuz my shift ended. I went for lunch & came home and now I want to write a little more.
First I want to say:
Happy Birthday Mom AND Happy Birthday Brooke! I LOVE YOU
Now, on a much sadder note, I know I mentioned not long ago that I have a friend, LilWea, whose mother has cancer & is dying. It has been so fast, it seems it was only a couple of months ago that we found out she was sick with cancer, and now she is in her final days. I actually think it might have happened today, I am waiting to hear. I feel so bad for LilWea and what she is going through right now. It was her birthday last Friday & she had bought Phantom of the Opera tickets for her & her mom to go to that night. Of course her mom couldn't go and that must have felt so awful. My thoughts are totally with her and my heart hurts for her, but I just don't know how to show it.
I feel like such a horrible person. I mean, I lost a parent, and I didn't know what I wanted to hear or what I wanted people around me to do... and now I don't know what to say or do. I didn't know her mom, but I care about her and wish I knew how to express that I understand what she is going through and that I feel for her & that I am here for her if there's anything I can do to help her through this. I feel like such a shmuck. I just don't know what to say or do... I am so awkward at these times, and I am almost afraid to see her, because I am weak... I don't know how to just approach her & hug her & tell her she'll be okay...
We're not that close, we've known each other since springtime, and she's more MB's friend, I have never hung out with her without MB, but still, she is a terrific person & I do care a lot for her. But even if it was one of my very close friends, would I know what to do? Why do I shy away from real issues like this? What am I afraid of? I should be calling her now to see how she's doing, but I think she is with MB, and I fear her mom might have passed away today & I just don't know what to say... and I don't want to make her uncomfortable either, maybe she doesn't know what to say or do & I would just be bothering her...
I don't know. But I need to learn how better to deal with this type of thing... I need to learn how to be a better friend.
Which makes me think...
Where the fuck were my friends when my Dad was in the hospital dying? Jam came once or twice I think. No one else bothered to come with me to visit him, not even the friends that would come with me to his house when we were teens to sing songs while he played guitar & smoke his cigarettes & sometimes his beer & stay overnight & go back a few times in a week just to hang out. NONE of them showed they cared when he was sick, or when he died. NONE of them came to the funeral. Okay, my boyfriend (at the time) came to the funeral, but I practically forced him. It pisses me off that no one was there for me (out of my friends).
So I will try my best to go to the funeral. I know I never met her, but I think it might be comforting to LilWea to know we care enough to be there & show our support. I hope I can giveaway the shift or somehow trade it or somehting & I hope Hank can get away for a couple hours to attend. Is that wrong of us if we never met her?
LilWea, my heart goes out to you & your family. I hope you know that even though I may not be good at showing it.
(I don't think she reads this... but I needed to say that... now I just need to try & say it out loud to her.)
